Best Man's Speech

Here's my best man's speech. There is a video of me giving it that's being sent to me as I type.
I think it's the most nervous in the world I've ever been.

I did improvise on the night a bit, but this is pretty much the entire thing.

So, hi everybody!
(The crowd better reply with "HI! Dr Nick")

As I'm sure everyone will agree, it's been a brilliant day only marred by the next 5 minutes I'll be speaking.

As is customary, I would like to thank the caterers for the lovely meal and everyone here for helping to make this day special.

I also need to thank Phil on behalf of the bridesmaids Anna, Claire and Shona. They look absolutely radiant and are only outshone by the ravishing bride.
Frankly, we've done the best we can with Phil, at least he's in a suit.

My name is Omar and I shall be your best man for the evening. A task I do not take lightly. So much so that when Phil asked me to take up the mantle, I responded with a resounding "No!". Not a good start to any budding groom-best man partnership I think you'll all agree.
Fortunately, I quickly realised that part of the best man's duties was to embarrass Phil in a room full of his nearest and dearest, a situation I've been trying to engineer for years.

Unfortunately I've failed, I don't have a speech prepared. I have been racking my brains for the last month in search of something nice to say as well as some mild humiliation for the groom and I've come up blank.

When I fist sat down to write this speech I really needed some inspiration, I couldn't in all conscience spend it making boob and fart jokes, no matter how strongly Phil begged me.
I began by contemplating why Phil would choose me as a best man. Obviously it must be because of my tact, charm and devilish good looks. As a representative of the groom, he wants me to make a good impression for his assembled family and friends. That made me happy.

Then I actually started to jot down some notes and quickly realised that in all of the most incriminating stories that I know about Phil, I come off as badly as he does. The cheeky monkey was hedging his bets. Check-mate to Evans, or so you'd think. I just needed to work that bit harder to insult him properly.

So I thought to myself, I'll ask some of his friends and family, that should make it easier to convey the essence of Phil during the speech. The responses started off well with "He's a warm, funny, happy bloke" and "He's always been the life of a party". I then noted a couple of sinister comments declaring "I've never actually seen him do any work, he's always just there". I think you can guess where those comments came from, Phil.
Now I did giggle a bit when I found out that Phil's aunt had called him "flippy kippers" when he was younger. I thought that could bring out Phil's playful side but that inkling of hope was soon dashed when at the merest mention of Phil's name, one individual just muttered "round and hairy" over and over again.
I then gave up on playful anecdotes altogether when one of the last insights into Phil's very being was "oh God, he's lazy, stubborn and smells a bit". Even I protested on that one, but then again, I guess it's your parents that do know you best Phil.

So now I'm stuck with stories I can't tell and the impressions of friends that range from slander to downright lunacy and the wedding day was approaching quickly. I needed a new tack.
I thought about some themes for the speech using words like proud, responsible, ambitious, sexual conquistador but I could hardly structure an entire speech around "things Phil is not".

So, after mentally preparing myself with a very nice meal and a few drinks I sat down and really thought hard. What do I know about Phil really? Well he's almost entirely motivated by cheese products and I went to university with him. In fact, I first met Phil at Manchester, a fine educational institution to say the least. To my cost, I soon discovered that Phil knew little about the educational bit but alot about institutions.

Through a drunken haze of beer, crisps and occasional forays to lectures, my most endearing memory of him at university is his enthusiastic dancing, a feat I'm positive will be demonstrated later on this evening. I highly recommend requesting "Sit Down" by James if only to see an entire wedding party being forced to sit on the floor in time to the music.

However, my most burning memory of him is something I sincerely hopes he keeps for his wedding night or for a career in politics and that is his love of drag. Of all of my friends, I do not know any other who's face lights up at the thought of donning a dress and bounding off in search of Halloween adventure. More worryingly, of all my friends, he by far has the most ample cleavage.

The big day is now even closer, so what else do I know? Well, Phil spent his formative years in Ironbridge where he cultivated a love of both iron and bridges and where I'm also told he first came up with, what I consider his lifelong mantra.
As many will attest, Phil is not the most shy and retiring man on this earth. In fact, he positively loves talking. So much so that there was a moment in the ceremony where I really did think he'd follow "I do" with "and let me tell you why".

But I digress... the mantra. If everyone can please imagine Phil as a child. A wee scrap of a lad, probably playing in some mud. Now imagine young flippy kippers wearing a flowerpot on his head... now set him into motion breaking everything in sight. Destruction of crockery, furniture and even family pets. And now finally imagine Phil triumphantly sauntering up to his parents and announcing "I done damage". A sentiment that I hear plagues his work colleagues still.
Well Phil, the only damage you've done today is to the wedding pictures and I'm sure photoshop can fix that.

So I'm stuck. I've been standing here for the last 5 minutes with nothing to say. So let this be a lesson to all aspiring best men, if the only achievements of your groom are to have married a fantastic woman, occasionally provided amusement and to have been a great friend over the years, politely decline and save yourself the stress.

In all seriousness though… Thank you all for listening.
Phil, it has been a great honour to have been your best man here today, but more importantly to have known you as a friend over the last 10 years.

I sincerely wish you the happiest of marriages and may our friendship continue for many years to come.

Before I finish with the toast, I'd like to prove to you all that I have done the research for this speech. On this very day in 1945 the Potsdam declaration was signed declaring that if Japan did not surrender it would face "prompt and utter destruction". Phil, think of yourself as Japan.

<TOAST>